Hi! I am trying to get my feet planted on a good path, because right now they are not. I figured if I blogged about the journey I want to take, I would be more committed, because let's face it, I run out of steam prettttty fast. I'm hoping this blog will fan my fire!

I'm just going to jump into this and I will share my story as the blog evolves. I attended something called Camp scabs in June. And it was crazy awesome and life changing! When April asked us how we will be different when we go home, I decided I would love myself more.  Then I went home. And I crashed. I crashed bad. My husband looked at porn while I was gone. I was upset, okay, I was pissed. I lost all of my camp scabs feel goods and crashed hard. And i HATED it!! Porn! Ahh! No!

This past weekend, I went to something called The Togetherness Project. I carpooled with friends from camp scabs. The second they came to pick me up, I felt my heart open. I am in a safe place now! My heart sang, I loved myself. I knew I could say or do anything and it was okay!! I was so happy, and high (you know, a natural high, NOT a pot smoking weekend) and I totally loved myself!  Then I came home. As soon as they pulled away, I felt it happening. I can only describe it as black veins or roots, WEEDS wrapping around my heart one by one. By the end of the night, my heart was fully enclosed again by blackness and self loathing. And it was no ones damn fault but mine!

My husband had said some things, totally harmless things that I took and I pulled them into my soul as blackness instead of just letting them slide off my back. I started hating myself. He wasn't meaning to insult or hurt, but he lied to me about this stupid addiction for 11 1/2 freaking years! Anything he says to me that isn't perfect is blackness into my soul. There, I admitted it. Right now he just can't do anything right. I depend on what he says so much, it controls how I feel. A lot. Too much.

I don't want weeds around my heart. I don't want to close up and tell myself how worthless I am. I want to be happy and spread sunshine! This blog is about me removing those weeds one by one and loving myself for who I am, and loving myself enough to take care of myself.                                      

I am going to find self esteem in myself, and I am going to pull my daughters onto this path with me and I am going to cling to them and do whatever I can do to keep them on the self loving path. Because let's face it, men are letting us down and it's only going to get worse!  Jump on this path with me ladies! Whether your husband is addicted to porn or not, we all need to love ourselves more.