Sunday, February 16, 2014


"Above all, be loyal to Jesus Christ, the Savior."

Taken from this (really good) Ensign article:Living a Life of peace, joy and purpose (it does have one triggery part where it says spouses shouldn't keep secrets from each other though, I'm not gonna lie. Ya, tell the hubs.)

"Above all, be loyal to Jesus Christ, the Savior." THAT I can do. Since I found out my whole life was a lie, I haven't really felt much loyalty to my husband, to our wedding vows(no I have not stepped outside the marriage, but I have slightly wondered what it would be like to find someone who could respond to my needs). I have discovered just how non-loyal the hubs really can be, and that stings like a BEAST.  so my knee jerk reaction is just a feeling of non loyalty. I want to go drink and numb the pain (also, something I haven't done), I don't care how it would make my husband feel. I just don't feel loyal. I'm to betrayed and hurt the loyal.

My temple covenants were with God, not him. My promises to live a good, faithful, life were to God, not to the betrayer.  So I CAN hang on.

Above all, I can be loyal to MY Jesus Christ. MY Savior.

Monday, February 3, 2014

He will not permit his work to fail!

As we think about the future, we should be filled with faith and hope. Always remember that Jesus Christ—the Creator of the universe, the architect of our salvation, and the head of this Church—is in control. He will not permit His work to fail. He will be victorious over all darkness and evil. 

(Taken from this Ensign article-

I have been feeling so dark, so down so bad lately. This quote really popped out at me. 

Friday, January 24, 2014

Brain Power!

As promised, I am blogging about my Healing Through Christ...stuff. I am going slowly but surely.  I have made it to the question answering portion! And I feel as if I am....not doing so good.  I got to the question: How do you mentally take care of yourself? And I was like.....uhhhhhh.....eehhhhhh.....durrrrrr. I asked my hubs if HE knew the answer.  He didn't.  ummmmm.....I guess I don't.
Spiritually, I could do much better at, but at least I'm aware of ways to take care of myself spiritually.

Emotionally, I do OK, I do yoga, I cry, I spend time with my kids. And sometimes I just shut on down if that's what I'm needing.

Physically, I go to the gym when THAT doesn't feel overwhelming. I take naps, lots and lots of naps. I have replaced soda with green smoothies. (that is a HARD replacement)

But MENTALLY??? WHAAA??  The book suggested reading books and other things. I GUESS I do that SOMETIMES.  I mean, Healing Through Christ IS a book.  Ok, I know that probably doesn't count.  So I'm here to ask, because I have no clue how to take care of myself in this way.

How do YOU take care of yourself mentally?

PS: I bet when all y'all saw the picture for this post, you thought I was going to blog about how Addicts have no frontal lobes, didn't you?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Sweet Daughter...

Last night, I was making dinner.  My kids were all fighting. Of course. I heard my 6 year old suddenly yell, "I guess I AM stupid then!!!" She ran to her room, and slammed the door. My heart broke. As i tried to find a stopping point in what I was doing, I could hear her in her room, yelling and venting about how stupid she was. I went into her bedroom and climbed up onto her bunk bed with her and wrapped my arms around her and started crying.  Asked her why she thought she was stupid.  It was because people SAY she is. Mean, bullying......STUPID people in my opinion.  I asked her if she thought she was.  She said that she did.  She did because so many people SAY she is.  I told her how good she is at MATH. And how she is a rock star at reading when it's family scripture time. I told her that she is NOT STUPID.  And the people that say she is is working for Satan.  Because dear daughter, Satan is a JERK. SATAN is the stupid one (yes, I said that). Satan wants her to not love herself, so that she won't stand up for whats right. If she thinks that she is stupid, then Satan is happy.  I told her that she is kind, and loving, and sweet, and SMART. By then she had stopped crying, and she was looking into my eyes and really listening to me.  What 6 year old looks into her moms eyes and really listens?  NOT MINE.  I was crying while i said it, because I have been hating on myself extra, and I knew how she felt.  It's how I've been feeling.  I told her how life is SO HARD when you don't love yourself.  (I should know) And that she NEEDED to love herself, because she can't always depend on people to love her.  I told her things that I need to hear. Things that I wish my mom had told me with tears rolling down her face.  I hope hope hope, that I am juuuuust not broken enough, that I don't break my kids.

PS: AH!  You should see this girl. She is so fabulously beautiful. I'm in trouble.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Healing Through Christ, page 4: "If we were caught in a category five hurricane, we would all admit we were powerless over such a destructive storm.  We would choose to take cover in a safe place as soon as possible.  Accepting that we are powerless over hurricanes is a wise use of our agency.  Accepting that we are powerless to control and stop the addiction of our loved ones is the key that will open the door to deeper humility and trust in our Heavenly Father.  He is the one who does have the power to help our loved ones overcome their addiction and help us through this challenging dilemma."

Addiction is like a storm in our lives for sure! Big time!  My husband hurts me over and over and over again. And no, its really not on purpose, even though it feels like it is sometimes.  If we were in a hurricane, we would take cover.  We wouldn't ask ourselves, 'why can't i just tough it out and stay outside while the hurricane is whirling?' Well, um, because it's dangerous, it's harmful to our bodies to be in a hurricane.  Why is it that so often we ask ourselves, "why can't I just LOVE my husband and give myself to him?" um, because he hurts me, and lies to me.  I hear so often of women beating themselves up because they don't feel connected with their husband, they can't offer the love and support they feel like they should, etc.  Ya, it's because porn addiction is like a hurricane to our soul and our heart. We need to seek refuge for our spirit when our husbands are in addict mode.  Being open to our husbands while they are in addict mode is one of the most harmful things we can do for our heart. When we see the addict approaching us, instead of our loving, caring husband, it's time to shut the doors, shut the windows. Hide yo kids, hide yo hearts, the pornicane is a comin. Don't open up and think that if you love him enough, he will stop. Because he won't. He needs to turn to Christ to stop.  No amount of love in the world is enough to make your husband stop.  I know without a doubt that i need to protect myself more, and not guilt myself because I'm not feeling loving and close to my husband.  Those feelings are a natural consequence of his actions. Just because I don't feel like I love my husband, in that moment, doesn't make it a fact. It doesn't mean I don't love him at all.  My feelings are not facts. :)

Monday, January 6, 2014

Motto of the YEAR!
Last night, I was going through some of Step 1 in my manual, and I came across a quote.  I know someone had told me this quote, once before, but I had forgotten about it.  I love this quote so SO much. I have decided to name it my motto of the year:

"Feelings are not Facts" 

Woah, WHAT? You mean when I feel like my husband hates me, that's not a fact?
when I feel like i am ugly, and that's why my husband looks at porn. not a fact.
when I feel like I am a failure as a mother, wife, and human being. not a fact.
feeling fat. not a fact.
feeling like there is no hope. not a fact.
feeling unlovable. not a fact.

This motto, this quote, just might be life changing for me. Just because I'm feeling it, does NOT make it a fact!  It's genius! 

Feelings and emotions are pretty much the same thing in my book.  I could google it, and see if I'm sounding dumb by saying that, but ain't nobody got time for that!

A quote in step one says this: 
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland cautioned: " I supposed it goes without saying that negative speaking so often grows from negative thinking...we speak-or at least think-critically...and before long that is how we see everyone and everything.  No sunshine, no roses, no promises of hope or happiness.  Before long we and everybody around us are miserable."

This is me. I admit.  I hate to admit.  When my husband and I were having our fighting marathons over Christmas break, he turned MY anger back on ME and said, "how have YOU changed this past year?" And I said, "I have grown more bitter and angry and hateful.  THAT is how I have changed."  And that made me sad.  I'm turning into my mother. That made me sadder....saddest of the sads.  I can't let this addiction win and take over and blacken my heart.  If I do that, Satan wins. And Satan is a jerk! He just can't win! So here I am, trying to completely submerge myself into working the steps, praying for my husband and loving myself. 

I can feel my feelings, but I won't let them turn my heart cold anymore.  I can burn my feelings into paper, or smash them into plates. But they will no longer trick me into thinking they are facts and blacken my heart. I'm taking over.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Let's Get Serious

Serious about recovery, that is.  I just bought the brand new Healing Through Christ book, and i have read a little, and it's fantastic!  It has been a whole year since I have been forced onto this 'married to an addict' path.  In that year, not much healing has taken place.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm so tired of always hurting and having little to no hope.  So this year, I am diving in!  And I'm planning on taking it nice and slow. Like, 1 step a month slow.  12 months, 12 steps, it's perfect!  So expect a lot more blogging about the twelve steps, and healing.  Which I think will be great things to blog about!