Brain Power!

As promised, I am blogging about my Healing Through Christ...stuff. I am going slowly but surely.  I have made it to the question answering portion! And I feel as if I am....not doing so good.  I got to the question: How do you mentally take care of yourself? And I was like.....uhhhhhh.....eehhhhhh.....durrrrrr. I asked my hubs if HE knew the answer.  He didn't.  ummmmm.....I guess I don't.
Spiritually, I could do much better at, but at least I'm aware of ways to take care of myself spiritually.

Emotionally, I do OK, I do yoga, I cry, I spend time with my kids. And sometimes I just shut on down if that's what I'm needing.

Physically, I go to the gym when THAT doesn't feel overwhelming. I take naps, lots and lots of naps. I have replaced soda with green smoothies. (that is a HARD replacement)

But MENTALLY??? WHAAA??  The book suggested reading books and other things. I GUESS I do that SOMETIMES.  I mean, Healing Through Christ IS a book.  Ok, I know that probably doesn't count.  So I'm here to ask, because I have no clue how to take care of myself in this way.

How do YOU take care of yourself mentally?



PS: I bet when all y'all saw the picture for this post, you thought I was going to blog about how Addicts have no frontal lobes, didn't you?

Let's Get Serious

healingthroughchrist.org

Serious about recovery, that is.  I just bought the brand new Healing Through Christ book, and i have read a little, and it's fantastic!  It has been a whole year since I have been forced onto this 'married to an addict' path.  In that year, not much healing has taken place.  I'm tired of feeling this way.  I'm so tired of always hurting and having little to no hope.  So this year, I am diving in!  And I'm planning on taking it nice and slow. Like, 1 step a month slow.  12 months, 12 steps, it's perfect!  So expect a lot more blogging about the twelve steps, and healing.  Which I think will be great things to blog about!

Praying

 

It has been hitting the fan around here people.  I have found some evidence that the hubs has been lying to me and doing things behind my back.  The thing is, they weren't even about porn!  But it was LYING! So i was re-traumatized. But I don't want to even get into it. It was hard. I cried a lot and not the hubs is into his second week on the couch.

 

Last night when I was praying before bed, it occurred to me that MAYBE I should pray for my hubs.  Since we are in quite a rough spot.  So I start praying for him.  "Please help him to...." STOP. No, that is a prayer for what I want HIM to do. "Please have him...." STOP. No, Camilla, that is not something in your power.  "Please help him to love himself and help him to know that I don't completely hate him". Okay, success, I prayed about something that isn't me trying to control anything. It's HARD though. UGH! This is one of my new goals though.  Yes, i realize it should be obvious to pray for my husband, and something that is automatic.  BUT it's not for me yet.  It's time for me to make new, good habits! Wish me luck!

Vulnerability

 

(pornland)

(ya...I just couldn't figure out what picture to put on this post)

 

Welcome to Pornland, where Vulnerability is a yucky word.  But imma talk about it today. I do the 12 step Healing through Christ program through my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's pretty awesome.  It's a very healing process. Though sometimes it can be difficult.  We just went through step 7, which is Humility.  Going through this step made me thing a lot of Vulnerability.  I could be wrong here, BUT I kinnnnda thing humility and vulnerability are the same thing. Bare with me here, as this post might be a little funky and disorganized as I try to put my thoughts on paper, eh, blog. If you would like to go make yourself some brownies before you dive in, go ahead, i will wait.

The healing through Christ Manual says, "To be humble...is an indication that you know where your true strength lies.  You can be both humble and fearless. You can be both humble and courageous." I totally feel like the word vulnerable could replace humble in that sentence. You CAN be vulnerable AND courageous. Can you be prideful and vulnerable? I petition no. Being vulnerable comes from a place of love, as does humility. Obviously they are not the same thing, but for the past week, I can't really stop thinking about how closely they tie into each other. 

At the Togetherness Project I attended in October, I actually attended a seminar called "The Healthiest People Are Vulnerable, given by Brannon Patrick from Life Star.  It was really good! One of the things he said is that by being vulnerable, you experience love.  THIS I realized was so very true. When I have the walls up in my heart and am not being vulnerable I do not experience love. If I am being prideful, i do not experience love. The saddest part of this is that I do not experience love with my children, and I miss out. Worse, THEY miss out.

Now that I have written those two things on vulnerability, lets all take a big deep breath......
...................................................
............................................................................................................................................
because CRAP. Who wants to be vulnerable with a lying PORN addict around?  crickets.  Me neither. So what do we do?  I'm not here to give advice, but seriously, what? I think that all we CAN do it just be aware.  Be aware that if we are not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to SOME extent, we are missing out on love. If we are not being humble, we aren't growing. All y'all might think I am crazy comparing the two. And if so, just roll your eyes and go find a blog that clicks better with you. BUT for my personal life, I feel like I am on to something.