That Pesky Inner Dialogue

I just read this: "I sat down on the edge of her bed and began saying things I’d never said to another human being—not even myself. “I feel mad inside a lot. I often speak badly about myself in my head. I bully myself. And when I bully myself, it makes me unhappy and then I treat others badly—especially you. It is not right, and I am going to stop. I am not sure how, but I will stop. I am so very sorry,” I vowed trying not to cry."

Gotten from here: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/12/10/the-bully-too-close-to-home/ I reccomend reading the whole post.

When I read that I alllllmost lost it. Meaning, massive ugly crying. Because I hate myself. I really do. Last night I had a conversation with my husband about how I didn't know if I could go see the Hobbit with him, because Evangeline Lilly is in it. How can I sit next to him when there is this beautiful woman on screen and I'm sitting next to him. When his fat, frumpy wife is sitting next to him. Yes, I actually SAID that. (Disclaimer: I was much more secure before this damned addiction)

Since this addiction has come out. I feel like the ugliest woman in the room. Always. My husband tells me how I'm so pretty, and that I'm always the prettiest woman in the room.  I just roll my eyes. IF IM THE PRETTIEST WOMAN IN THE ROOM then WHY are you looking at all the OTHER women!!??!?!??  Exactly.

Back to the above quote. My inner dialogue is terrible.it has gotten so bad. I will tell you this, even though I know it's wrong. If I get zits, I will tell myself "porn stars don't get zits". If I fart in from of my husband, I tell myself, "porn stars don't fart". You get the picture, I do this and it's wrong.  I just know I will never be enough for him. I tell myself that all the time. And it's ruining me. And I can't stop the negative self talk. I constantly complain about how I never feel loved by him. But the thing is, I honestly don't think I can ACCEPT love from him. Because I have convinced myself SO many times that I will just never be enough. Not for my mother, not for my children and especially not for my husband. The things I tell myself, fill me with hate and I get to the point where I can't hold it in anymore, and I explode. On my husband.  And on my kids. I am constantly apologizing to my kids. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, you are a good girl" "I'm sorry I said that" "I'm sorry I lost my patience" I'm treating my kids like crap often, because that's how I feel. I feel like crap.

Stop the negative self talk? I don't even know how. I do not. Tomorrow, meet me back here, I will have some positive affirmations typed up to share. It's going to be really hard for me to do that.