Pulling My Own Wagon

Last night, I feel like so many things bothering me about my marriage came to an emotional wreckage in my soul. After I found out about the porn, the bishop firmly counseled us to pray and read scriptures as a couple.  I immediately told my husband that HE is the Priesthood leader in our home and he SHOULD be the leader of our home. So we did it, for a while.  We haven't done it for months.  I also put family prayer/scriptures on his shoulders.  We haven't done it for months.  He can't be the leader of this home, or it will be lost.

Last night, I lay in bed, crying as quiet as humanly possible.  I slowly allowed the responsibility of family scriptures and prayer AND family home evening creep back onto my shoulders.  It didn't feel good.  I know it shouldn't FEEL like a burden, but alone it absolutely is.

This is how I feel:
I feel like for the past 12 years, our entire marriage, I am pulling this wagon, the family wagon all alone.  As I pull it, I struggle, I stumble. Sometimes, I completely stop because I can't even breath and have no strength left in my muscles.  While I am pulling this wagon, I see my husband over off in the meadow, playing with bunnies and toy guns having fun.  So many times is scream at him, beg with him, plead with him to PLEASE come help pull the wagon.  But he just yells back, "I am too busy playing, that wagon looks HARD.  Maybe if you pulled it like THIS instead, because it doesn't look like you are pulling it right." And then he skips off again, leaving my hands bleeding.  Sometimes, he doesn't even hear my pleas.  Then it happened, I found out he went deeper into the forest, and instead of playing with bunnies, he was playing with bears.  Playing with bears behind my back!  So i started putting the wagon down, and throwing rocks at the bunnies. "YOU CAN'T EVEN PLAY WITH BUNNIES ANYMORE!!!!!"  I screamed.  So he kinda sorta stopped.  He came over, and picked up the wagon, and we started moving easier.  It felt so good!  I had help!  I wasn't alone!  The wagon wasn't so heavy! I went to clean out the wagon, and I found a BEAR. He put a bear in my wagon. My wagon was already so terribly heavy, why would he put a bear in it?  Now not only are my hands bleeding, but my toes are blistered and cracking and bleeding now.  After a while I notice something, why is my wagon getting heavier again?  Then I notice, that he's just walking BESIDE the wagon.  He is walking by OUR wagon and looking at those good for nothing BUNNIES!  Then he is by the very edge of the trail looking at those bunnies, longing to play with them.  What the heck has happened? Not only has he left me to pull OUR wagon alone, but he has added a 500 lb bear to it, making it even harder. So here I am, AGAIN. After what should be a year, a WHOLE YEAR of pulling the wagon together, and he has set the wagon back down and walked back into the meadow of no responsibility. The side of his wagon is squeaking so loudly at me, now that I have had a small, bitter taste of what it's like to not pull alone, that I can't even pull any of it.

**Disclaimer** This is so silly, I know.  It sums up how I'm feeling so well that I just couldn't write it any other way. It sums it up so well, typing this kind of made me cry.