The downward spiral came. I tried not to get in it. I guess my mistake was pacing around it instead of running for my life. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor right one bawling my eyes out. It hurts so much. How can a person lie to someone they say they love for 11 years? I don't believe he loves me. I just don't. He can never look at porn, never ever again, and I wouldn't believe him. My 3 & 1 year old are locked out of the bathroom. I don't even know where they are. I can't hear them. I tried to hold it together for as long as I could, but I just can't do it right now. I'm so exausted. So tired of falling apart, then having to pick myself back up. Holding it together for as long as humanly possible, then falling apart all over again. All of this because my husband is a bastard liar. This is NOT fair. Is not fair to me and it's not fair to you. Why are men constantly letting us down? What is wrong with them? Where are the worthy priesthood holders? Where are the good men? My poor daughters. My poor poor daughters. I am so sorry. The world will fail you. People you love most in this world will fail you. And their is not a damn thing you will be able to do about it. I hope that I don't fail my daughters. I want to give them at least one person who won't fail them. I feel like I am failing them right now, locking them out because I just can't deal with life. I feel like God failed me. Why did he tell me to marry a liar? Someone who puts out so much hurt? Even God has failed me. I hate my life. I have so much pain, so much.
I think I'm having a bad day. I can't stop crying. I don't even WANT brownies.
Bathrooms are small sanctuaries! I'm sorry it's so hard... Spirals are awful.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have to go through this. It is always harder when we think we are failing our kids. You aren't. I have been mad at God more times than I care to remember. And yet, he keeps loving me. I may not always feel it, but it's always there. I hope you feel it again soon. I wish I could lay on your bathroom floor with you.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. It is so not fair. And it's heartwrenchingly sad to think about all this and bear the weight of it. I wish I was there to help you bear some of it now.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Camilla. I know the pain is unbearable at times, but you can do this!! Stay strong and try your hardest to be brave. Love you!! ~Shauna
ReplyDeleteAh I just read some of your blog. I'm so so sorry to hear all this pain. It is totally natural. Let it out. I know this is so tough. You have to keep going. You just have to. Even if you suffer for the next year, if you just hold on to something, even a glimmer of hope, you will find it. God loves you SO FREAKIN MUCH!
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