Friday, October 25, 2013

My Childhood is a Disaster!

What I look like on the inside.
 Childhood can be a bitch. For realsies. I mentioned yesterday, that my husband totally tried to be my therapist yesterday, and it was rough.  Basically it was a "where does all of your pain stem from?" session.  Because that's what his therapist has been doing to him. So imma talk about a few things that have happened to me that make me feel less than loved.

When I was 5, my baby bro. was born.  The parents brought him home from the hospital, this should be an exciting, happy, loving time.  As I tried to see the sweet new baby, I kept getting in trouble.  "get out of the way Camilla", "be CAREFUL, Camilla!" are just a few things that my sweet little 5 year old self heard. (I'm not even pity partying, we have family movies where this is actually going on.) I very specifically remember, going to the back of the hallway, hiding behind the clothes hamper, and crying. Because now I had a baby brother, and I was nothing. In that moment, I learned that I was not important, and I am always in the way. I bought it, and I believed it.  And I always had my parents around, to treat me in a manner that reinforced those feelings.

Fast forward to Dec 27, 2012. The day I discover my husband has been looking at porn and lying to me our ENTIRE life.  Why doesn't he want to be sealed to me? I ask myself. I'm just not important enough to him.

These are the feelings that I am trying to PURGE. Yes, I am screwed up, my parents totally ABSOLUTELY contributed to that.  And they still freaking are! What really sucks is that I can't get away from them, because my sister tries to and it just makes things WORSE! So I have to get so planted on this path of loving myself, that I am untouchable. Can it be done? no.  ABSOLUTELY! It totally can.  I need to silence this inner voice that says it can't. It's a big voice.  I think the voice that hates Camilla is a Baritone and the voice that wants to love Camilla is a little mouse voice of sadness.  I am trying to starve the baritone out, and feed the mouse.  Maybe I will start eating a lot of cheese?
Posted by at
Labels:

2 comments:

  1. The Lighthouse CoalitionOctober 25, 2013 at 5:59 PM

    I love how you paint a picture of the baritone voice... right?? So true. I get it. And I get being lost. I grew up in a similar situation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kilee MarieOctober 26, 2013 at 6:56 AM

    Mmmm cheese. On a serious note, thank you for sharing this. I know you can feed that little mouse voice and make it bigger. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME!

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)