Camilla 1 Satan 0 (for today at least)

Life today.

Picture this, I am struggling u a big, rocky path, barely making it.  Struggling in darkness, searching for light.  Then out of nowhere a huge storm comes, but I know that if let it push me off of the path I am on, only more darkness will come.  So I dig my toes into the sand as deep as I can (because I HATE wearing shoes).  I am standing with my feet rooted, nothing to hold onto, unsure if my feet will remain planted.

That is where I am today. Holding on as tight as I can to my new path of self love.

I hate addiction.  IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!  I AM YELLING!!!!!!!!

Last night, the husband told me that he looked at porn. At work. For an hour. An hour. Because he felt like he 'needed something'. He just NEEDED something.  I am here.  I am something. You can have me.  He wanted to call me, but he just couldn't. So he looked at porn.  He was so sad, and so ashamed. Don't shame him more I told myself. DO. NOT. DO. IT.  I am really good at shaming.  I felt really unsafe as he was telling me, I pictured the bed getting larger, trying to get him further from me. I held onto my positive feelings. Pleading, "Don't fail me now, Camilla!  do not!" After talking for bit, we cuddled, and cuddling became okay.  I felt safe to do it.  As we cuddled, we continued talking, and my heart started pounding, and there were words I needed to say. Hard words.  "it's okay" I said.  I don't know if he even heard me, but i felt like i needed to say them so strongly, so I did.  It's not okay, and we all know that.  But, it is.  You, husband, are addicted, you looked at porn, and you told me.  It's not okay, but it's going to be okay. Please don't shame yourself.  We will be okay. What is okay? that he told me before I was falling asleep in bed!  He told me almost as soon as we were able to talk. He showed courage and bravery and TRANSPARENCY. He showed...recovery?....he showed something. Something good.  Give that man a brownie!

I woke up this morning. Some of my toes lost there footing as I slept last night.  My head was whirling with the questions that don't have answers.  My mind was trying to bring up the images of prettier, skinnier women who he was lusting after for a whole hour.  I fought against my brain SO HARD digging my toes into that loose, un dependable sand.  I told the husband that i was realllllly struggling to not jump on the downward spiral.  So we talked about it.  And instead of showing me love and empathy (at first), he became my therapist.  It DID NOT UNDER ANY UNCERTAIN TERMS HELP. We got very close to fighting. BUT, in the end, he validated me, and hugged me, while silent tears rolled down my face.  In the end, I got what I needed.  And honestly, even though I didn't need it right THEN, I think the therapy he forced me through will help me. I just didn't need it today.

I don't think that this is going to knock me off of my path. Not today.